I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. I’m sorry I couldn’t do enough. I’m sorry that I failed you.
Those eyes, they tell the story of a sweet little soul.
You didn’t hold the key to my heart, you were the key.
You love me, unconditional. You love me, in a way no one else ever will.
You wait for me. You look for me. For comfort, for love. Sometimes I was too busy. Others times too consumed with worthless things. A long day is not a reason to neglect you. I’m sorry for taking you for granted. For not holding you when I should have. For pushing you away when all you wanted was to be close to me. I’m sorry.
And now it’s too late. Too late to hold you. Too late to play with you. Too late to show you how much I love you.
You are my heart. I’m so sorry if I didn’t show you enough how much love you.
I see you in every room I walk into. I lay down only to wake wondering where you are. Then suddenly remembering you’re gone. My heart drops, it becomes so hard to breath. I realize that I will never see you again. Ever.
The pain is indescribable. I don’t remember ever being in such a state of emptiness.
I didn’t want to let you go. I’m so angry that I was forced to. I fear this anger will lead me to a path I’ve worked so hard to get out of. A path surrounded by walls that are impossible for anyone to climb. A path where faith is far in between. A path where hope can only go so far. It’s a path where I walk alone. A path where I’m shielded so my heart never gets broken. That’s where I want to go. To that dark place because it’s safer than in the open sea.
I’m scared. I’m scared of not being strong enough, brave enough to persevere.
What if I find no meaning? No lesson? Just lost. How do I come to terms with everything happens for a fucken reason?
Death is a part of life. I get it. But making me take one? Why are you teaching me a lesson in this form? With an innocent precious life. What direction needed this type of punishment? I’m trying to understand. I’m trying to have faith.
I need answers. I want answers.
In due time? Until then I suffer.
I ask for forgiveness. With every being of my living, breathing body, I pray you’re not mad at me. I didn’t abandon you. I saw your pain. I saw your sadness. I didn’t want to continue your suffering for the sake of my not wanting to let you go. I forced myself to be brave in thoughts of what was best for you.
Now I feel like I’m just in an empty room. Almost numb. Then alive again. Then back to numb. Numb is nice. No pain.
If only things were different. If only my failures didn’t affect those I love.
In the end, no matter what anyone says… I know I failed you. I may never forgive myself. But I still ask for your forgiveness. Know that I love you so much. I miss you so much. One day, we will meet again. I know that death is not the end .
I pray you’re in a better place. And that you’re happy and filled with all the foods you love…I know how much you love to eat.
Please come visit me in my dreams. Let me know you’re OK. Please.
I love you, always and forever Lucy.