I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. I’m sorry I couldn’t do enough. I’m sorry that I failed you.
Those eyes, they tell the story of a sweet little soul.
You didn’t hold the key to my heart, you were the key.
You love me, unconditional. You love me, in a way no one else ever will.
You wait for me. You look for me. For comfort, for love. Sometimes I was too busy. Others times too consumed with worthless things. A long day is not a reason to neglect you. I’m sorry for taking you for granted. For not holding you when I should have. For pushing you away when all you wanted was to be close to me. I’m sorry.
And now it’s too late. Too late to hold you. Too late to play with you. Too late to show you how much I love you.
You are my heart. I’m so sorry if I didn’t show you enough how much love you.
I see you in every room I walk into. I lay down only to wake wondering where you are. Then suddenly remembering you’re gone. My heart drops, it becomes so hard to breath. I realize that I will never see you again. Ever.
The pain is indescribable. I don’t remember ever being in such a state of emptiness.
I didn’t want to let you go. I’m so angry that I was forced to. I fear this anger will lead me to a path I’ve worked so hard to get out of. A path surrounded by walls that are impossible for anyone to climb. A path where faith is far in between. A path where hope can only go so far. It’s a path where I walk alone. A path where I’m shielded so my heart never gets broken. That’s where I want to go. To that dark place because it’s safer than in the open sea.
I’m scared. I’m scared of not being strong enough, brave enough to persevere.
What if I find no meaning? No lesson? Just lost. How do I come to terms with everything happens for a fucken reason?
Death is a part of life. I get it. But making me take one? Why are you teaching me a lesson in this form? With an innocent precious life. What direction needed this type of punishment? I’m trying to understand. I’m trying to have faith.
I need answers. I want answers.
In due time? Until then I suffer.
I ask for forgiveness. With every being of my living, breathing body, I pray you’re not mad at me. I didn’t abandon you. I saw your pain. I saw your sadness. I didn’t want to continue your suffering for the sake of my not wanting to let you go. I forced myself to be brave in thoughts of what was best for you.
Now I feel like I’m just in an empty room. Almost numb. Then alive again. Then back to numb. Numb is nice. No pain.
If only things were different. If only my failures didn’t affect those I love.
In the end, no matter what anyone says… I know I failed you. I may never forgive myself. But I still ask for your forgiveness. Know that I love you so much. I miss you so much. One day, we will meet again. I know that death is not the end .
I pray you’re in a better place. And that you’re happy and filled with all the foods you love…I know how much you love to eat.
Please come visit me in my dreams. Let me know you’re OK. Please.
OK, I decided to take a break from my freelance biding because it’s irritating the hell out of me. I’m sitting in my office room thinking what else I can do…and there’s a lot. But I opted to go through some of my old writings that date back all the way to high school. A loooong time ago, lol. I decided to do a compilation of them and self publish. A whole lot of worms about to come out 🙂 Anyways, I ran into an article that I got back in 2003 from an old co-worker. I thought to myself there is a reason why I’ve kept it for long. As I proceeded to read it my heart kind of stopped. “Oh, I can see why I kept it,” I said to myself. I felt inspired and had to share.
The author is unknown unfortunately. Thank you to whoever it is. Thank you for touching so many with your writing.
“God Never Let Go.”
Some years ago on a hot summer day in Florida, a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks and a shirt as he went. He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.
His mother, in the house looking out the window, saw as the two got closer and closer together. In utter fear, she ran toward the water, yelling to her son as loudly as she could. Hearing her voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a u-turn to swim to his mother.
It was too late. Just as he reached her, the alligator reached him. From the dock, the mother grabbed the little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two.
The alligator was much stronger than the mother, but the mother was much too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by, heard her screams, raced from his truck , took aim and shot the alligator.
Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his mother’s fingernails dug into his flesh in her effort to hang on to the son she loved.
The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, “But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because MY MOM WOULDN’T LET ME GO.”
You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But deep wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let you go. In the midst of your struggle, he’s been there holding on to you. The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way. But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole is peril and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That’s when the tug-of-war begins. And if you have the scars of his love on your arms, be very, very grateful. He did not, and will not let you go.
Please pass this on to those you love. God has blessed you, so that you can be a blessing to others. You just never know where a person is in his/her life and what they are going through. Never judge any other person’s scars, because you don’t know how they got them. Also, it is so important that we are not selfish to receive the blessings of these messages without forwarding them to someone else. Right now someone needs to know that God loves them, and that you love them too. Enough not to let them go.
Ok…what did you think? My thoughts very quickly. I’m not a religious person. I believe there is a higher being, a creator that we call God. I don’t think it’s a man or woman, I think it’s a higher being. You can interpret this however you want. For me, it meant we must have faith. In humanity, in love, in hope. We all have scars and we all have gone through things. We shouldn’t judge, we should praise. We should get to know people, we should help people. We were created for a reason. That in itself is most valuable. You are loved by our creator, heck even by a stranger. People you don’t’ even know care about you. Trust me, I care. For so many people, so many things. That’s why I live my life with the purpose of helping others. Total complete strangers. No matter what, even in the darkest times, you’re never alone. God, someone out there is thinking of you. Wishing they could just reach out their hand and hold you and take you away from all the pain. I’m sorry that sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, that’s where faith comes in. Don’t give up, don’t let go. We’re out there, the people who you will one day meet that will never let you go. Be strong, believe in yourself.
Not the greatest photo of me but my son is a cutie! LOL Humidity. And I was like 15 pounds heavier HAHAHAAAA