Category: My Poetic Heart

Meaning…family, love, lost, happiness.

You had a good thing, right in front of you

You had a good thing, right in front of you. 

If you reached for me, I’d be there.

And I would always be…

there to comfort you when you needed to be held.

there to kiss you when you’d ask.

there to listen when you needed to be heard.

You had a good thing, right in front of you.

Until…

You took me for granted.

When you refused to hear me.

When I opened up and received nothing from you in return.

I kept giving because you kept asking.

You wanted effort and that I gave.

How foolish of me to not have learned when you left me to drown the first time. I stayed around still and that made you happy. It reassured you…that you were still who I wanted. I did it, happily.

So pathetic, blinded from the truth. What was my role in this charade?

I needed to work for you. Prove myself to you. I ran circles in my mind because your words kept us in a non-commital state.

I still needed to work, some more for you.

How did I get so lost?

It’s 3 am now and it hits me. I’m paying for the past. Righting any wrongs, I may have done. It must be.

A karmic lesson.

I thought maybe you were more…maybe a meant to be.

It’s easy to get lost in the fantasy of happily ever after. Deep down inside with all the contemplating and resisting, I knew. I was trying my best to blend oil and water. Just maybe by some miracle, it may work.

You made me feel alone more times than cared for. You were a lesson that brought up the forgotten pain from the past. I’ve discovered they’re still… kind of alive. DEEP, DEEP inside. But guess what else I also realized…

(What was all this working for you nonsense for again?)

It’s not that I don’t deserve you, although that’s what you might think. The truth is…I deserve more. It’s you that doesn’t deserve me. 

In case you need me to repeat myself. YOU DON’T DESERVE ME.

But hey, in the end, all that doesn’t really matter. All I know is I NEED and WANT MORE. Not someone I have to prove my worthiness too. Not someone who doesn’t value who I am.

You’ve lost me.

You were too stuck in your own mind to really see me. You forced me away in an unforgiving way.

I’m a bit angry. But it’s actually...just sad, really…

You had a good thing, right in front of you.

 

 

Photo credit @ Rebel Circus

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then you came along

I was okay…

then you came along.

I was doing fine…

living in my mind.

then you came along.

So unexpected.

I forgot what it felt like…

to have no control at all.

My emotions raging like wild fire.

I’m finding it hard to breath.

Holding on by a thread.

I’m waiting…

for you.

Laying in a body of what feels like an open sea.

Still…looking for any sign of you.

Some nights I thrash and throttle with the waves.

Fiercely trying to hold on through the night.

Some days the waters are calm and I feel a sigh of relief.

I become hopeful that you’ll come for me.

But at this moment…

i feel empty.

I really don’t know anymore.

Would you really leave me out here alone to drown?

The seed of fear is finding life in me.

I really was okay…

before you came along.

Lingering in the shallow waters.

I was safe.

then you came along.

 

 

Letting go…

Letting go…easier said than done.

Letting go of someone you love is painful, you just don’t want to.

Letting go of anger is like physically putting your hand in flames…you rather not.

Letting go of pain can free us…but that’s like winning a swimming marathon and not even knowing how to swim.

Normally the phrase “letting go,” means doing something you really don’t wanna do.

How does one begin the process of dismantling their heart?

How would letting go make life a little easier?

Tell me, how do I let go without crying myself to sleep?

Tell me, how to not wake up overwhelmed with loneliness.

Letting go, has me feeling more caged in than ever.

How do you go from forever to never again?

If only I could understand the logic in…maybe in our next life.

It just doesn’t make any sense.

I love you so much but I can’t keep you.

No matter how hard I try, how far I reach… you’re gone.

And I lay alone in a bed that feels like it’s made for a hundred warm bodies.

Letting go…sadly, I have no other choice but to.