Tag: Faith

Love Leaves (But It Always Returns)

Love left and came back with new eyes, with new hands. Love left and came back with a voice I did not recognize, with a heart I did not expect. Yes – love left, but when it came back I could not help but forgive it, for it was more beautiful than I had ever imagined; it was bigger than I had ever hoped.

You see, when love left it did not ask me to follow it, but I insisted. I tried with every bone in my body to convince it that I was worthy, that I was capable of making it last. I dressed my words in silken poetry; I tried to make it stay with prose and praise. I pleaded with love, like a nostalgic beggar just asking to go home again. But, love still left. It still slipped through my fingers. Continue reading “Love Leaves (But It Always Returns)”

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Want to know a sure way to anxiety? Eagerness. Wanting something instantly but having no control over it.

I’m guilty of it. I guess I have some control issues. Unsure if it comes from an egotistical place or do I just have high standards.

Pondering….

Every scenario is different right? I thrive on structure. I like knowing where everything is at and where it’s been. Constructive time management is essential to being productive. Having a to do list cuts out extra brain thinking time. Prioritizing your to do list is even more effective.

My homeless clothes are nicely folded in my dresser (most of the time) 😂. I even try to separate long sleeves and short sleeves and tank tops. Shorts and sweats and thin pajama pants…you get the idea.

Does that make me controlling? I don’t think so. I want my son to be the same way. Now does that make me controlling? You tell me.

In relationships, I can be the same way. Nit picky even. I admit it. Sorry 😒

I had a revelation. Lately I’ve been having some real nostalgic moments coupled with unconscious past pain. Not fun.

I’m vacillating quite a bit. I find myself being very…ego driven. But I’m confusing it with high standards, I think. Having high standards isn’t a bad thing. Although if it’s coming from a place of ego it actually may very well be fear. An insecurity from some hidden source I may not even be aware of.

When we want something so bad we can lose all rationality. Let’s say we did stay composed. We do what we think is right but at the same time, we’re constantly thinking of what we want and why we don’t have it. Where would that leave us? How would we be feeling?

For me, it keeps me in this stressful state. Lots of anxiety and frustrated as hell. I sat down and kind of just let my mind process. Why am I feeling this way? Where is the connection? The universe is telling me something. And you know what I like to say…when the universe is trying to tell you something, listen!

As I’m trying to put the pieces together, I decided to put things into perspective as an outsider looking in. Psycho analyzing myself 🤔 I get very attached to outcomes. I should instead be present in the moment. How is the moment right now? Well I’m a little stressed from my 8-5 job along with taking on a new career path. My shoulders are tense. I think it’s going to swell up by  tonight. But at the same time, I can name so many other things in my life that I am so grateful for at this moment. How I am so thankful to still exist in this world. There’s a lot more to come and I’m excited for it.

So what is my problem then? I can think of two words. Faith and patience. I’m lacking faith in believing that God and the universe is working with me. Helping me. Things are happening to me because I need to learn from them. It’s like I’m put through a series of tests and I have to study hard to pass them. If I don’t, I’ll stay where I am and the universe will keep testing me until I learn what I need to learn.

I force myself to do my very best at life. And because of that, I need to have faith that I’m being met halfway.

My goal: To stop with the worrying and need to control every outcome. To have patience because I am on the right path. How do I know? Because I’m happy. I may be moody but I’m still happy 😂

Always learning and growing  ☝💪anyways… thanks for reading my ramble. I needed to get this out into the ether.

Next post will be a video. No excuses!

 

 

 

 

Thank you for making me a better person. 

Do you believe in signs? In fate? How about destiny?

Reminiscing on passing days…I believe.

Existing in this earthly world as a human can be both heartbreaking and joyousness within the same minute. We’re just so advance like that 😂

So…a year ago I lost Lucy. I finally released her ashes. Did I feel magically better afterwards?  No. I was hoping for something.  Like a sign. Something to make me feel better. Reassurance that I’ve finally healed. That I can let go of all the guilt. That it wouldn’t hurt so much still. I talk myself into believing she’s OK. But in my heart, I never truly believed it. I went home feeling empty. On the one year mark, I went to work as usual. A smile on my face. Then in an hour after getting home I went into a full on breakdown. Still…nothing. Wait, I did have a dream the night before. She ran into my arms. As I picked her up, she gives me that look she always does. And that’s I love you. I thought about that dream throughout the day. Able to hold my composure. Thank the universe because last year this time it was impossible.

I was cleaning yesterday. I started wiping the top of my nightstand. I kept telling myself, the less little shit you have and leave out, the easier it will be to clean. I’ve been trying to minimize everything so I spend less time cleaning. Then in return, I’ll have more time to work on important things. And if my space isn’t clean, I just can’t 🙈 Anyways, let me bring my mind back to the task at hand 😆 There’s a card, her death certificate. I sat for a moment. I decided I can’t keep it there. It might not be helping. I’m still holding on. So I put it away. I move over to clean the top of my dresser. There I have a photo of her. Just her. I see it every morning I wake up. Sometimes I smile, sometimes not. I asked myself, should I move this to the living room. Where all the photos of my life are. Pondering…I said no. I can’t. Obviously, I haven’t healed completely 😔 As I continue to wipe my dresser, my arm rams into the knob. Then I say what the fuck, because I’m melodrama like that, 😉 was sure it instantly bruised me. I fight through the pain 🤕 Then all the sudden my forehead runs into the same damn knob. I stopped. I was like OK, the universe was trying to get my attention.  Maybe even Lucy. I took a deep breath and reluctantly moved her photo to the living room. Still unsure as my day proceeds.

Done cleaning. “Don’t turn on Netflix. You need to work on your book.” I decided to eat 🐷 I’m full and fat now so I chose to check want Amazon Prime was offering in their movie section🙊 I found a movie called When the Night Falls. AGAIN…another sign from the universe??? Because the lady’s damn dog dies in like the first 10 minutes of the movie.  FML 🙍🏽 You know what she does??? Of course, you don’t. She takes her dog (Bob) and puts him in the fridge. And she fucken keeps him there!!! Lmao She goes to the laundry mat. Sits there bawling her eyes out. A girl asked her if she’s OK.  Long story short, the lady says she didn’t realize how much she loved Bob. That she loves him more than she’s loved, anyone. The other girl acknowledges her pain. Saying how our pets love us unconditionally.  That’s how I feel. I loved Lucy more than I’ve ever loved anyone. Besides my son. Everyone knows my son is my life. But it’s different with Lucy. She loves me back, unconditionally. She’ll never leave me. I’m perfect in her eyes. And hey, I give my dogs more attention than I do anyone lol I will sit for 20 minutes and give them a back rub. I don’t do that for anyone else. If you’re an animal lover you get me. To everyone else, I’m just a crazy dog lady.

The movie goes into her struggles. She’s dealing with everything that is going on in her life while Bob is still in the fridge. Finally, she comes to this breaking point. She grabs Bob and a bottle and heads out to bury Bob. She picked a special place. I’m not going to explain the entire movie but it’s a place where she faced her fear. She felt freer than she had in her entire life there. So she’s drunk. Burying Bob in the snow. It’s freezing, snowing. She lays down once she’s done and falls asleep.  I was like…is this how it ends? Is she gonna fucken die out here by herself???!!

Hmmmmm….🤔

Credits roll…it goes back to Bob. He digs himself out of the snow.  Shakes himself off and runs like the wind through the snow. He seemed so happy. So free.

So I believe now. Lucy is OK. She’s happy. I think I’m really OK now.

We talk about new beginnings. New chapters in our life. I think I’ve still been working through so many things that have happened.  I may have even fooled myself at times thinking I’ve healed. That I’ve worked through it all. I know now I was lying to myself.

I’m ready. Truly. I’ve done the work. I dealt and now healed (I hope 😊). Faced my truths and fears. I believe you must close one door before you open another. If you don’t, you’ll take all that baggage with you. How do cycles ever fucken end if we keep lying to ourselves? If you don’t take time out to fix unsolved issues and heal, it lives on into the next chapter with you. Bury them all you want. The fact is, it WILL un-bury itself. And then you gotta relive all the bullshit AGAIN.

NO THANKS FOR ME.

Whatever comes next…I’m ready. My heart healed. Open and ready for more love. I’m wiser. Stronger. I know the meaning of life more than ever now. I am so blessed and so thankful. Thankful for all the lessons that have brought me here to this place of appreciation. That I am alive and able. The possibilities are endless.

Thank you, Lucy…for making me a better person.