Tag: Anger

You had a good thing, right in front of you

You had a good thing, right in front of you. 

If you reached for me, I’d be there.

And I would always be…

there to comfort you when you needed to be held.

there to kiss you when you’d ask.

there to listen when you needed to be heard.

You had a good thing, right in front of you.

Until…

You took me for granted.

When you refused to hear me.

When I opened up and received nothing from you in return.

I kept giving because you kept asking.

You wanted effort and that I gave.

How foolish of me to not have learned when you left me to drown the first time. I stayed around still and that made you happy. It reassured you…that you were still who I wanted. I did it, happily.

So pathetic, blinded from the truth. What was my role in this charade?

I needed to work for you. Prove myself to you. I ran circles in my mind because your words kept us in a non-commital state.

I still needed to work, some more for you.

How did I get so lost?

It’s 3 am now and it hits me. I’m paying for the past. Righting any wrongs, I may have done. It must be.

A karmic lesson.

I thought maybe you were more…maybe a meant to be.

It’s easy to get lost in the fantasy of happily ever after. Deep down inside with all the contemplating and resisting, I knew. I was trying my best to blend oil and water. Just maybe by some miracle, it may work.

You made me feel alone more times than cared for. You were a lesson that brought up the forgotten pain from the past. I’ve discovered they’re still… kind of alive. DEEP, DEEP inside. But guess what else I also realized…

(What was all this working for you nonsense for again?)

It’s not that I don’t deserve you, although that’s what you might think. The truth is…I deserve more. It’s you that doesn’t deserve me. 

In case you need me to repeat myself. YOU DON’T DESERVE ME.

But hey, in the end, all that doesn’t really matter. All I know is I NEED and WANT MORE. Not someone I have to prove my worthiness too. Not someone who doesn’t value who I am.

You’ve lost me.

You were too stuck in your own mind to really see me. You forced me away in an unforgiving way.

I’m a bit angry. But it’s actually...just sad, really…

You had a good thing, right in front of you.

 

 

Photo credit @ Rebel Circus

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I’m sorry that I failed you…

I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. I’m sorry I couldn’t do enough. I’m sorry that I failed you.

Those eyes, they tell the story of a sweet little soul.

You didn’t hold the key to my heart, you were the key.

You love me, unconditional. You love me, in a way no one else ever will.

You wait for me. You look for me. For comfort, for love. Sometimes I was too busy. Others times too consumed with worthless things. A long day is not a reason to neglect you. I’m sorry for taking you for granted. For not holding you when I should have. For pushing you away when all you wanted was to be close to me. I’m sorry.

And now it’s too late. Too late to hold you. Too late to play with you. Too late to show you how much I love you.

You are my heart. I’m so sorry if I didn’t show you enough how much love you.

I see you in every room I walk into. I lay down only to wake wondering where you are. Then suddenly remembering you’re gone. My heart drops, it becomes so hard to breath. I realize that I will never see you again. Ever.

The pain is indescribable. I don’t remember ever being in such a state of emptiness.

I didn’t want to let you go. I’m so angry that I was forced to. I fear this anger will lead me to a path I’ve worked so hard to get out of. A path surrounded by walls that are impossible for anyone to climb. A path where faith is far in between. A path where hope can only go so far. It’s a path where I walk alone. A path where I’m shielded so my heart never gets broken. That’s where I want to go. To that dark place because it’s safer than in the open sea.

I’m scared. I’m scared of not being strong enough, brave enough to persevere.

What if I find no meaning? No lesson? Just lost. How do I come to terms with everything happens for a fucken reason?

Death is a part of life. I get it. But making me take one? Why are you teaching me a lesson in this form? With an innocent precious life. What direction needed this type of punishment? I’m trying to understand. I’m trying to have faith.

I need answers. I want answers.

In due time? Until then I suffer.

I ask for forgiveness. With every  being of my living, breathing body, I pray you’re not mad at me. I didn’t abandon you. I saw your pain. I saw your sadness. I didn’t want to continue your suffering for the sake of my not wanting to let you go. I forced myself to be brave in thoughts of what was best for you.

Now I feel like I’m just in an empty room. Almost numb. Then alive again. Then back to numb. Numb is nice. No pain.

If only things were different. If only my failures didn’t affect those I love.

In the end, no matter what anyone says… I know I failed you. I may never forgive myself. But I still ask for your forgiveness. Know that I love you so much. I miss you so much. One day, we will meet again. I know that death is not the end .

I pray you’re in a better place. And that you’re happy and filled with all the foods you love…I know how much you love to eat.

Please come visit me in my dreams. Let me know you’re OK. Please.

I love you, always and forever Lucy.

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Sad…

I’m just so sad… so freaken sad. I don’t even know what to really say… speechless, heartbroken. The anger hasn’t set in yet…This tragedy happened in another state but it feels like home to me. Could have easily been my friends and I
😞 We have to be vigilant no matter where we are. May you all Rest In Peace 🙏 Bouncer, dancer, accountant among Orlando shooting victims
http://www.cnn.com/2016/06/13/us/orlando-victims-profiles/ image

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