My body, bare, lifeless…immersed in what feels like heaven as of lately.

A layer of darkness covers the light that insists on getting through.

Kids are laughing, lawns are being mowed, cars are passing, new mail has been delivered. The cycling of life never stops.

Spotify. Drown all this noise out. Life has stopped. In this moment, as my lifeless body lays… everything has stopped. I long for silence. But music will do. Take me to a place where reality has taken flight and all is right in my world.

Spotify… keep it soft. Emotional and deep. It compliments my pain. Because no matter how hard I try, reality won’t fucken disappear.

Instead, I welcome the tragedy.
Tears, here they come. My hands gripping these cool, soothing white sheets as I try and fight for a breath. Have you ever cried so hard that your lungs lost it’s function? A simple act becomes the perfect storm. Waves moving against me, not with me. I try to stay afloat but these waves carry the weight of the world. It’s fiery thrashing all over me. I’m drowning. I don’t know if I’ll make it.
A constant battle of what will succeed to the top.

But it’s really not a battle is it? I was destined to lose before it even began.

Ordained…? For what exactly?

Or are we just fooling ourselves? Is life a mere illusion of great possibilities? Like does that fucken rainbow really have an abundance of hidden treasures on the other side?

But wait, we’re also suppose to enjoy the journey as well. Focus on the end game but live in the moment. Find the balance? And also… You’re more likely gonna pay for past karmic shit. Even those from another lifetime that you have no recollection of. If the universe screws you… There’s always a “reason”, a “lesson”.

We’ll right now, I say fuck you. Fuck all the reasons. Fuck all the lessons. Fuck all the unfair pain good/innocent lives have to endure. I say “lives” because all living creatures are precious. So to all you fucks that think dogs, pigs, cows, etc… are not as precious as a human life, fuck you too.

“Our empathy doesn’t go beyond what we can’t see. ”

Wake up people. I saw a Facebook post from someone making a smug joke about gun laws.

What a fucken ignorant asshole. No one said it would solve all our problems. Where did that notion come from??? It’s not funny.
Angry stage. I’m entitled to that yes? I’m sorry universe for being pisted at you. I mean no disrespect. I’m moving past this pain as best as I can. I just have to let my anger out.

I know better. I know this is life and it expects me to give it my all. I know. And I will. One morning will come when I don’t wake up in tears. I’m looking forward to that day.

My faith has never been so tested in my existence thus far. I know I just need to continue and push forward. Lucy’s death will not be for nothing. It means something. Time… you can be such a bitch. But I know you’re needed.

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade??? You’ve given me a lot of lemons. So Time, I guess I need you by my side to be patient with myself. I accept your lingering-what feels like forever, to help me grieve and heal. Eventually I’ll feel whole again…eventually.