Why I Couldn’t Stay

You love me, I know. You love me, more than I love you.

You’re good to me.

Before you have a drink, you always make sure I have mine first.

You kiss me goodbye, you kiss me goodnight.

You need me. Even on nights I’m horrible. You still reach out for me.

You look at me as if I were the moon.

Isn’t this what every girl wishes for? For another to find home in them?

You love me, I know.

And I love you.

But…

Let me be honest. As much as I wish…as I tell myself to wait…to give it time…maybe one day I’ll love you the way you love me.

One day I’ll realize no one will love me the way you do. And that…will be enough.

I go through the motions. Not that I’m pretending. I feel safe when you wrap your arms around me. I smile when I think of our inside jokes. I feel the love when our hands connect and our fingers intertwine.

Last night, was wonderful.

I cherish us. I cherish you. I cherish what we have.

But…

How do I explain that I’m happy but not completely?

I try to find reason as to why I feel like something is missing. Is it just me? Is there something wrong with me? Or is there really something missing?

My obsessive need to make sense of everything…why? Let me dig deep. Into my past. Into all the reasons why I may not feel the way you do. There must be something wrong with me right? Why would anyone not love someone who is so good to them?

Attachment issues? Fear of falling in love only to get my heart-broken? Am I just not allowing myself to fall in love?

The truth is, it could be all these reasons and more. I honestly don’t know.

Here is what I do know…

I love you. I appreciate you. I love who you are. You deserve the kind of love you give in return.

I won’t be selfish. I won’t keep you because I’m scared of making a mistake. Of “what if” I already had what I was looking for. It’s unfair to you . And I owe it to myself to figure out what it is.

Know that it’s not you. Your love has brought so much light into my world.

It’s just…

Sometimes it’s not in the stars.

It’s not meant to be forever.

I’m grateful that our paths have crossed. Thankful that the universe gave me a love like yours.

I need to honest with myself and with you. I don’t see forever in you. I wish I did. I hate that I don’t.

Something is missing. And that’s… I’m not in love with you. I love you. But I’m not in love with you.

Now that I know this, you know I can’t stay. A part of me wants to stay. A part of me says I can make it work.

But I can’t. And I am so sorry.

I’m sorry for hurting you.

I’m sorry for tearing your world apart.

I’m sorry that things couldn’t be different.

I know you hate me now.

But…

One day you’ll find her.

And when you do, it will be magical. The stars will align perfectly.

Then you will finally understand why I couldn’t stay.

 

 

 

 

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