I was so angry. Broken beyond repair. At least that’s what I thought.

I hated you so much on the nights I laid curled up on the bedroom floor. I wished for things that I didn’t mean.

You left me. Because you no longer felt the same. You’re sorry. You find it difficult to let me go but wanted to do the right thing. I didn’t care that I loved you more than you loved me. I just wanted you. I needed you. But still, you left me.

Now I’m alone.

The stars have lost their meaning. The sun feels toxic. The queen mattress we thought was too small suddenly feels way too big.

I know now why people are afraid to fall in love. It will bring you to your knees. Tragic. It’ll change you forever.

How many days has it been… or months since you’ve gone? Bella, I finally understand all that despair you felt. How is it possible to feel so alone in a world with over seven billion people?

Vodka. Numb. Curtains closed. I’ve been in this ocean of darkness with no light in sight. I pray, dear God, please give me strength.

More nights go by and hopelessness is a constant. Again, I pray, dear God, please give me strength.

And then…

something different happened today. The sun peaking through surprisingly feels good on my skin. I found myself in the middle of the bed. There wasn’t an urge to turn my head to the right. I looked up at the ceiling. I felt…nothing really. No heaviness. No sadness.

I haven’t been able to feel anything other than pain when I think of you. Only memories of that day you left replays in my mind. Pain, anger and more pain.

But this morning, a different memory decided to show up. It was a Saturday afternoon that felt like the middle of spring in the fall. I remember thinking this would be the last social event I’d attend until the holidays. Just one more and then you’re free to immerse in your solitude for a good month. The weather was beautiful. Another plus to getting me outside.

I arrived. Greeted with hugs and a glass of red wine. I like this spot. Right under a tree but close enough to the pool. I think I’ll hang out here. After a glass and hour-long hellos, how are you…I decided on a second glass of wine and made my way towards the house. There you were, pressed against the kitchen island reaching for a bottle. I couldn’t see your face but thought, really cute shoes. And even cuter dress. I noticed your sparkling yet petite bracelet. Well accessorized I thought. I admit, I was excited to see the face behind that gorgeous wavy golden-brown hair. A voice shouted, more wine? Then you turned and faced me. Our eyes met. It was the first time I believed in magic. That was the beginning of a fantasy I thought only existed in movies.

I loved our lazy Sundays wrapped in sheets. Mimosas in bed. I remember the curves of your back. The softness of your skin. I remember...why I fell so hard. The thought of being in love was so foreign to me. Over raided. Then you came along and shattered everything I thought love to be.

The 15 months and 3 days with you were the best days of my life. Even on the ones we spent yelling and slamming doors. There was nowhere else I’d rather be. There was no one else I wanted in my space. Everything tasted better with you. Work became less mundane. Parties no longer felt forced. I’ve never felt more alive. And when you left, my entire world collapsed. The heartache was unbearable. Tears fell day after day, night after night. I saw no end to my devastation.

I didn’t think I would make it here…

Good morning again. How I’ve missed you mimosa. Avocado toast sounds great. I think I’ll shower before noon. What should I do today?

I don’t know how it happened. I just feel…somewhat normal again.

I drove past our favorite Thai spot and smiled. Then I thought, wow…I’m gonna be okay.

I understand why you had to leave now. I want you to know it’s okay. Yes, you broke my heart but I am so happy to have known you. I’m beyond grateful for our life together.

Thank you for doing the right thing. I admire you for it. For letting me go so I could discover and heal the broken parts of me.

Growth comes at a cost, this I know. Although I wish it didn’t take me losing you to realize my place in all the ways things went wrong.

This is a last love letter to you. Know that I love you, and always will.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay