One Saturday morning I woke and actually felt somewhat normal again. I can’t give you the date or time…or the kind of morning it was. I assume sunny. I assume the sun rays were peaking through my blinds. It’s been a while since I’ve seen the sun rise. Like clockwork, I rise before the sun does. But it seems I haven’t greeted the suns waking this past month. Or maybe two…or three? I’m unsure. Life has been a bit of a blur lately.
This past Saturday, I finally greeted the sun after weeks of it greeting me. I smiled. In a way I haven’t smiled in some time.
It was uplifting.
Does this mean I won? Does this mean I forgive myself? Does this mean a chapter has closed?
I have to ponder a while. Deep thought. I’m so good when it comes to talking to myself 😊
::Sigh:: I don’t think it completely means any of those things. There are gray areas. I didn’t win, although I never gave up. There were so many days I wanted too. Many days when I questioned if I’d ever feel whole again. I didn’t win. You can never win a lesson. Growth isn’t meant to be won but learned. Pain teaches perseverance. To be humble.
Do I forgive myself? That one I’m unsure of. To forgive means someone has done wrong? Did I do wrong? Was I given a choice? And did I choose what was best for me? Did I give up too soon or not try hard enough? That I don’t know yet. I still have her ashes placed next to my bed. I still have a hard time looking at her photos. I try not to anymore 😔 I guess forgiveness is still yet to be determined.
Is a chapter closing in my life? This I believe to be true. These past few years have truly been karmic lessons for me. I’m like the caterpillar that has grown into a butterfly 😅 No lie 🐛 < is that a caterpillar? Ew ugly. Are you freaken kidding me…I don’t have a butterfly emoji?! Damn you Android 😬
Anyways, I could have easily gone a different path. Depression and self medicating would have been the easiest route to turn. But I took an alternative road. A road that isn’t easy. And that’s to let myself feel whole heartedly. I allowed salt to seep into my wounds. And fuck did it burn. It’s been painful. Dark. Super emotional. My life has had numerous occasions where I’ve been to scary places. But damn. Life really has no limits when it comes to heartbreak. It kinda worries me 😐
I’ve always been very good with dealing and healing.This time, it was different. These past few years have opened me up in a way that knocked me to my knees.
Being emotional means being weak. I know that’s not completely true. See how I said “not completely”? Lol. There’s a fine line for me. I manage it much better…since I’ve been kicked in the ass so brutally. I get it universe. COMPLETELY.
I know I’m not done with this chapter/cycle yet. I’m just very grateful that I’ve been able to pull through. Hopefully the tide turns and I can finally see a clear path. Things are still a little foggy right now. I’m unsure and I find myself second guessing every turn before I make it. Ugh 😒 I don’t like it but I guess I have to be ok with the process. Right now it’s kinda go with the flow. I can’t force and control everything. So this is where faith comes in. I have faith the universe is on my side and taking me where I need to go. Patience…that’s the key right now.
And I’m almost 35!!! 😅 It’s a milestone. I’m actually looking forward to it. It’s like a threshold into true womanhood…or just plain you’re an adult, not young adult anymore 😂 oh well. Happy to be alive and healthy 💃
Till next time… xoxo. And be safe out there. The world right now, smh. Love and light going your way.