Where the faith comes in…

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One Saturday morning I woke and actually felt somewhat normal again. I can’t give you the date, or time…or the kind of morning it was. I assume sunny. I assume the sun rays were peaking through my blinds. It’s been a while since I’ve seen the sun rise. Like clockwork, I rise before the sun does. But it seems I haven’t greeted the suns waking this past month. Or maybe 2…or 3? I’m unsure. Life has been a bit of a blur lately.

This past Saturday, I finally greeted the sun after weeks of it greeting me. I smiled. In a way I haven’t smiled in some time.

It was uplifting.

Does this mean I won? Does this mean I forgive myself? Does this mean a chapter has closed?

I have to ponder a while. Deep thought. I’m so good when it comes to talking to myself 😊

::Sigh:: I don’t think it completely means any of those things. There are gray areas. I didn’t win, although I never gave up. There were so many days I wanted too. Many days when I questioned if I’d ever feel whole again. I didn’t win. You can never win a lesson. Growth isn’t meant to be won but learned. Pain teaches perseverance. To be humble.

Do I forgive myself? That one I’m unsure of. To forgive means someone has done wrong? Did I do wrong? Was I given a choice? And did I choose what was best for me? Did I give up too soon or not try hard enough? That I don’t know yet. I still have her ashes placed next to my bed. I still have a hard time looking at her photos. I try not to anymore 😔 I guess forgiveness is still yet to be determined.

Is a chapter closing in my life? This I believe to be true. These past few years have truly been karmic lessons for me. I’m like the caterpillar that has grown into a butterfly 😅 No lie 🐛 < is that a caterpillar? Ew ugly. Are you freaken kidding me…I don’t have a butterfly emoji?! Damn you Android 😬

Anyways, I could have easily gone a different path. Depression and self medicating would have been the easiest route to turn. But I took an alternative road. A road that isn’t easy. And that’s to let myself feel whole heartedly. I allowed salt to seep into my wounds. And fuck did it burn. It’s been painful. Dark. Super emotional. My life has had numerous occasions where I’ve been to scary places. But damn. Life really has no limits when it comes to heartbreak. It kinda worries me 😐

I’ve always been very good with dealing and healing.This time, it was different. These past few years have opened me up in a way that knocked me to my knees.

Being emotional means being weak. I know that’s not completely true. See how I said “not completely”? Lol. There’s a fine line for me. I manage it much better…since I’ve been kicked in the ass so brutally. I get it universe. COMPLETELY.

I know I’m not done with this chapter/cycle yet. I’m just very grateful that I’ve been able to pull through. Hopefully the tide turns and I can finally see a clear path. Things are still a little foggy right now. I’m unsure and I find myself second guessing every turn before I make it. Ugh 😒  I don’t like it but I guess I have to be ok with the process. Right now it’s kinda go with the flow. I can’t force and control everything. So this is where faith comes in. I have faith the universe is on my side and taking me where I need to go. Patience…that’s the key right now.

And I’m almost 35!!! 😅 It’s a milestone. I’m actually looking forward to it. It’s like a threshold into true womanhood…or just plain you’re an adult, not young adult anymore 😂 oh well. Happy to be alive and healthy 💃

Till next time… xoxo. And be safe out there. The world right now, smh. Love and light going your way.

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About me…let’s see….I would say I am a TRUE Virgo. If you knew me, then you would so agree. There are quite a few things I care deeply about. Off the top of my head, I would say with much passion, my family, friends, the environment and world peace. Oh and animals. Can't forget them. I think I love animals more than most humans, lol. I believe it’s important to surround yourself with good people. Be picky with who you let in your circle. The environment, the earth does not belong to us. We are merely just visiting for a period of time. So lets no abuse it. World peace, that’s a hard one. It’s not a perfect world, but wouldn't it be wonderful if every child, women and man were safe? We can’t change the world and every single soul living on earth. But one person can make a great difference in the surroundings in which they live. Wouldn't you agree? Let’s not forget what fuels my soul, music. It speaks for me when I can’t. It expresses my feelings when I am unaware of what they are. It has a way of lifting my spirits when I am down. It has this magical power that is able to touch my heart with just lyrics alone. I wouldn't know what I would do without it. Poetry, I love poetry. In all forms...written or spoken.

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