Life is like writing your first draft. So F*en messy. Raw, unedited. Write, re-phrase, re-position, cross out. One paragraph can be exceptional on the first try. The words come out in the correct flow. It portrays exactly what you wanted to say. When you read it, it’s like…perfect. Exhilarating. A writer knows how jumbled things can get. The thoughts, the emotions don’t always transition so clearly to fingers, to pen, to paper. 30 words in 5 minutes. You thought you were doing so well only to re-read and 30 went to 10. And that’s the norm. A mess.
Life sure feels the same way. Jumping puddles after puddles trying to find dry land. Eventually you do. Sometimes it stays dry for long stretches at a time. Those are like the perfect writing sessions. It gives us motivation to keep going. Other times you have to swim through oceans. On a calm windless day and when the sharks have eaten, it’s tiring but not so bad. You have enough stamina from all your hard work to push forward. Then there are the not so easy swimming days when we’re in the trenches. Winds at 40 mph. Waves a foot high and the damn sharks haven’t eaten in 3 days. Damn those days. Water keeps entering your lungs, your coughing and barely able to breathe. Trying to stay afloat with the passing seconds. Telling yourself you can do this but self-doubt keeps pounding on your strength.
Messy. My writing can be as messy as my life can get. I’m a perfectionist with extremely high standards. Because of this I know that my work and life will probably never be where I’d like it to be. Lets blame the echos of not being good enough throughout my life a little as well. That just added on to my already borne with obsessive nature. Bright side, I know there is good in everything bad. If not for my need to have everything in order, my standards would probably be very low. And maybe I wouldn’t be so ambitious if I didn’t hear you’re not good enough over and over.
Thankfully I continue to evolve in a positive state of mind rather than being wreck-less. It’s easy to be wreck-less. Hell, I’ve been. A temporary lapse in judgement. The honesty I have with myself I’m sure carries me out of many bad decisions. I don’t pretend, make excuses or paint a pretty picture when it’s really one ugly piece of crap (in regards to my issues that is). There is no one more honest with me than myself. With my standards I guess that’s a good thing. Makes me self-sufficient. I can work alone and come out of some of the darkest times on my own. I’m grateful for being that person.
Sometimes life can really be a struggle. You fight and you fight and still don’t get anywhere. Self-doubt and hopelessness is hovering over you. A dark cloud. And that damn cloud holds nothing but rain and lighting. I’ve found there will be moments when you’re at a standstill. When your brain has been tested to its max and you can hear and feel your veins throbbing on the frontal lobe of your brain. It’s gone into a frenzy and there’s nothing you can do besides letting it pass. No more thoughts, questions and definitely no answers. Oppression of sorts is welcomed at this time. Nothing good can come out of an unclear or frantic state of mind. Finding a way to relax is the best option.
For me, less outside distractions are best. There’s no way I can cope with my own issues and someone else’s. I use too though. Spreading myself very thin. I know better now. No one is going to take care of you like you need, you need to take care of yourself. Our lives can become chaotic and we need to be able to take control of our own life. Seldom there will be someone who knows truly what you’re going through. How many people are 100% honest about their feelings when being expressed to someone else? Well I guess some people will lay out all their shit for you to hear…but a lot of people don’t. Some like privacy and we all have secrets. We all experience dark thoughts that we’re ashamed to admit.
What has gotten me through hard times? I believe its having gratitude. Knowing that everyday I wake up is a blessing. Hard times and all, I would rather be alive than dead. I say this with all honestly. We all feel like giving up sometimes. It’s just so freaken hard right? I know. Just think of all the misfortunes you’ve gone through. I mean really, really think about it. Remember how difficult it was? Your heart should feel a bit heavy thinking of it. I bet you wanted to give up then. But for whatever reason, you pushed through. Here you are…still living.
No one said life was easy right? It’s not. BUT worth it though. Every experience has taught us something. Look for the light, learn from the dark when moving on. A positive outlook is the only way towards growth. And life my friends, is a never-ending progression of growth. Finding our purpose and living with passion is the key to fulfilling our destiny. We’re all here for a reason. Believe that. Don’t continue a path of self-doubt. Taking control of our life is like swimming in the ocean. It’s like writing your first draft. We’ll be tested continuously. That’s OK though right? We’re grateful to see the sun set every night and rise every morning 🙂
With all that…it’s a beautiful Sunday evening and the moon is in Virgo this week. That means I’m in for a busy week 🙂 Believe in that stuff? You should. Astrology is the first science to ever exist. And science are facts. I like facts. Although I believe in karma and fate as well, LOL. Find the balance! Have a great week ahead.
Hello 3/1/2015 🙂