I’m always trying to be a better person, but damn, it’s so hard sometimes.
I had dinner with my best friend a couple of weeks ago. We were talking about my decision to stop eating meat. She didn’t want to order anything from the cow family so she stuck to seafood and salad. Of course I wouldn’t be upset and she knows that. I keep my lectures to a minimum ha ha.
I still eat seafood, but not too much. Imitation crab and tofu are my new best friends 🙂 She proceeded to tell me, “I’m glad you still eat seafood. You’re so worried about saving the world.” If you knew me, you’d understand more of what she’s talking about. I use to be a religious meat-eater. Everyday, meat and poultry was dinners main course. I love barbecuing. Chicken, steaks, you name it, I cooked it. I love food, I love meat. Prime rib…I’m picturing it and all I see now is a dead cow. It use to look like heaven.
Someone asked me why now? At 31. Simple, I wasn’t aware before. Now that I am, I can’t bring myself to look the other way. Who knows, maybe I’ll fall off the cliff. (Like my metaphor? You won’t ever see me on a wagon.) I’ve tried to stop eating meat once before about a year ago. I was in Reno on vacation and failed when ribs were all over the place, in a barbecue house. << Why did I even walk in there?!
Still wanting more from myself…Sighs…. -_-
How about the fact that I can never seem to be fully content? I always want more. Most people would think I’m doing pretty well. I have goals listed that I’ve been able to cross off. It’s right here, posted in my face. But still I feel somewhat empty. There is still something missing.
One of my recent ventures along with becoming a vegetarian is to help spread the word against sex trafficking and human slavery. I read, I post, I comment, I donate, I do whatever is in my power to help. This issue makes my heart feel so heavy. I ask myself why? No one else I know cares. Where does this empathy come from? Why can’t I be like the 90% of people around me? I’m not saying they are heartless people. I have some amazing people who I love and care for deeply by my side. My own flesh and blood, who is a great kid, doesn’t want to give up meat. I can’t expect people to give up what makes them happy. Why am I so hard on myself?
Here’s another one…
I’m a mad recycler. I walk over to the garbage bin thinking I’m too lazy to rinse this bottle. I hate seeing it on the counter left out to dry for days. Then walking it to the recycle bin is a little far (not really). As I head for it, bottle in hand, arm bending down facing the garbage bin, I see landfills! Tons and tons! They are everywhere. I come to my senses and say, do you want to be a part of that? Off I go towards the sink. Crazy right? How many of you see landfills when you’re throwing out a beer bottle? Or Coke if you’re under 21 of course :O) I even wash my crab packaging LOL.
This brings me to why I’m writing today. I ask myself why can I not be like most people? Life is short, why do I choose to punish myself when so many others won’t? I find myself in situations where hurting myself was more acceptable than hurting someone else. I try to be a good person…maybe sometimes it’s out of guilt? My conscious weighs heavy on my shoulders, heck it lives on it. It doesn’t hide well, almost not at all. Why? Sometimes I hate that I can’t be strong enough to put myself first. I’m always trying to be a better person. Sacrificing my happiness in the process.
I know what I want out of life. I know my purpose, my mission. But I am unable to walk away when I know I should. Am I a coward? I guess I can be. Is it possible for someone who’s so strong, so independent to be a pitiful fool, who’s scared of the what if’s at the same time? It is! I’m living proof, that example of such a person.
My intent is not to have good karma in return. I want nothing for myself, I just want others to care about the big picture. I guess it’s just me, who I am. A human with mechanical wiring that didn’t go the same directions as most around me. I am willing to sacrifice my happiness for the greater good. But there are some things that aren’t worthy of it. Those things I need to let go.
Today I’ve learned that I cannot give the world the best of me yet. In order for one to reach their greatest potential, one has to know when to stay and when to walk away.
Not everything will be as clear for me as it probably is outside (nice sunny day). I can’t see it, I’m sitting in an office with zero windows. But, my heart should feel it, my mind definitely already knows. Poor heart, you’re always the last one to know.
So is it bad that I’m always trying to be a better person? I don’t think so. Can it be stressful? Yes it can. I just have to be aware of what battles are worth the fight. I can’t do it all unfortunately.
Ever been at the crossroads? So many roads to take isn’t there?