Tag: Self Worth

You Have To Experience The Wrong Kind Of Love, In Order To Appreciate It When It’s Right

I can relate.

You Have To Experience The Wrong Kind Of Love, In Order To Appreciate It When It’s Right

When I was sixteen, love was hidden within pain. It was the knowledge of something so real, and so big, a little too early, before love even knew how to react to a girl who felt so deeply. So instead, love was “You’re ugly” and “I’d never date someone like you.” Love was “You have fat thighs” and years of verbal abuse. Yet love was something I still felt through the torment, it was an immature heart playing with my own, and years later even an apology wouldn’t scrub away the confusion of its game. Love was hurt.

When I was nineteen, love was a boy with too many options. Love was canceled plans and one-sided effort. Love was convenience and a different bed in every city. Love was apathy, until the options went away. Then love was an abundance of determination, a sudden knowledge of how valuable my heart was. Love was “Now that I don’t have anything else going on, I can commit to you.” Love was “Now that you are growing into your own, now that you have attention, I am finally ready to claim you before anyone else does.” Love was selfish. Love was too little too late.

When I was twenty-three, love was a spontaneous unknown; a need to believe in two people beating the odds. Love was a contradiction. It was turbulence and nights under New York City. It was “I miss you, but I don’t have the time to call you right now.” It was “I can’t wait to see you, but until then I’ll fill my time with other prospects.” It was “You are the woman who inspires me, who makes me want to be a better man, but I am not going to fight for this.” It was “You are everything to me, but I am busy.” Love was always busy.

And then, when I was twenty-four, love finally introduced itself to me. It said, “I am sorry for what you have been through, but you needed to experience everything I was not, in order to appreciate everything that I truly am.”

Suddenly, love was mornings spent laughing until I cried. It was having someone make time for me. Love was airport gates until it turned into “I am moving across the country to be with you.” Love was “After work I’m driving for two hours just to fall asleep in your arms” and “I want to give you everything you deserve; I want to show you just how much someone can adore you.” Love was whole. It was assured, it existed within certainty and ruthless declaration. It wasn’t built on the foundation of empty promises, it wasn’t bred from pain, or confusion, or apathy. Love was bred from choice. From maturity, from presence. Love was suddenly more beautiful than I had ever imagined, something that blew every old feeling and past name away in the path it was forging. Love was peace.

After all of those years, love was finally peace.
Love was finally real.

Via~ Thought Catalog

Bianca Sparacino 

 

 

Photo credit ~ http://saites.info

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You had a good thing, right in front of you

You had a good thing, right in front of you. 

If you reached for me, I’d be there.

And I would always be…

there to comfort you when you needed to be held.

there to kiss you when you’d ask.

there to listen when you needed to be heard.

You had a good thing, right in front of you.

Until…

You took me for granted.

When you refused to hear me.

When I opened up and received nothing from you in return.

I kept giving because you kept asking.

You wanted effort and that I gave.

How foolish of me to not have learned when you left me to drown the first time. I stayed around still and that made you happy. It reassured you…that you were still who I wanted. I did it, happily.

So pathetic, blinded from the truth. What was my role in this charade?

I needed to work for you. Prove myself to you. I ran circles in my mind because your words kept us in a non-commital state.

I still needed to work, some more for you.

How did I get so lost?

It’s 3 am now and it hits me. I’m paying for the past. Righting any wrongs, I may have done. It must be.

A karmic lesson.

I thought maybe you were more…maybe a meant to be.

It’s easy to get lost in the fantasy of happily ever after. Deep down inside with all the contemplating and resisting, I knew. I was trying my best to blend oil and water. Just maybe by some miracle, it may work.

You made me feel alone more times than cared for. You were a lesson that brought up the forgotten pain from the past. I’ve discovered they’re still… kind of alive. DEEP, DEEP inside. But guess what else I also realized…

(What was all this working for you nonsense for again?)

It’s not that I don’t deserve you, although that’s what you might think. The truth is…I deserve more. It’s you that doesn’t deserve me. 

In case you need me to repeat myself. YOU DON’T DESERVE ME.

But hey, in the end, all that doesn’t really matter. All I know is I NEED and WANT MORE. Not someone I have to prove my worthiness too. Not someone who doesn’t value who I am.

You’ve lost me.

You were too stuck in your own mind to really see me. You forced me away in an unforgiving way.

I’m a bit angry. But it’s actually...just sad, really…

You had a good thing, right in front of you.

 

 

Photo credit @ Rebel Circus

Don’t wait too long

Don’t wait too long to let go and move on.

Yes, you should feel the feelings. Cry. Be angry. Maybe even feel a little sorry for yourself. But you must not, I repeat you must not wait too long.

You can replay things all you want in your mind. Should have, could have..what if. The results are still the same.

In relationships, remember…people only do what you allow. That’s it! You stayed too long in a horrible relationship, job…well that was a choice. Your choice. No one needs to constantly hear the reasons/excuses of why. Just acknowledge that you weren’t happy. You weren’t getting what you needed. Find the growing lesson from it and move on.

Easier said than done?

I get we’re built differently. I can detach pretty quickly emotionally. Although my mind is another story. It’s naturally caffeinated 24/7. I think when your heart doesn’t ache anymore, eventually, your mind will follow. And if you’re not that sensitive, to begin with, it helps 😆

The fact still remains…you are in control of your own life.

I just got out of something and to my surprise, I actually learned a valuable lesson. After the dust has settled obviously 😊 We (I) hold on to our thoughts and emotions so tight. Overthink to the point of exhaustion. Like…why the fuck would you want someone who doesn’t see your worth? Love shouldn’t have to be earned or proven. At least not the kind of love I want. If a person wants to see you, be close to you, they will. If they think of you first thing in the morning, they will reach out. Sweet gestures aren’t done because it’s expected, you just do them because you care for that person. And if you find yourself asking for more attention constantly, there is a problem. He knows you love Valentines Day. He’s not into it but he knows you are. He loves you, therefore, you will see a pretty display of his affection the day of.

My lesson… is to not hold on so tight to those who do not truly value me. Don’t get it twisted though. Some people only value you because you serve them a purpose. Well…we all have to serve some sort of purpose to be valuable whether it be a person or entity. But recognize when it’s one-sided. If it is, you need to let the fuck go and move on. 20 years at a job where you’ve performed well and all of a sudden they want to be assholes for one call in…end it. 15 years in a relationship where you’ve given so much of yourself and he makes you feel not beautiful enough…end it. 10 years of friendship where you’re always there and they struggle to find time for you…end it. I’m well aware that it isn’t easy to let go of things you value, people whom you’ve loved. Things change, people change and that’s okay because they are supposed to. If it no longer serves a positive purpose in your life, you should let go.

(This is total venus in retrograde by the way)

People who want to be there will always be there. If they are meant to stay, they will stay. And if you want to keep someone in your life, you will do what’s needed. All relationships have give and take. Sometimes you will give more. And at other times they will. But the scales (Libra season currently of course) balance more times than not. I’ve always known this but I haven’t always accepted it (in reference to people who want to be there will always be). I do now. I wonder if it’s because I’m getting older 🤔 I don’t know when God is going to say your time is up here. I hope to live a long and happy life. I am already halfway to the end. I choose RIGHT NOW to no longer waste any extra time on anyone or anything that is not vibing with me. I will not settle for less than I deserve. I will not hold on longer than I should.

(Never chase anyone. Your meant to be is a piece to your puzzle. It will fit perfectly along with all the other pieces that form your heart)

Don’t wallow in your failures and losses more than you should. We have our off days. And it’s healthy to cry and let shit out. It would just really suck if your life is more sad than happy.

So don’t wait too long. Time stops for no one.