Here goes the saying…

If we want to change the world, we have to start with ourselves.

I’m not sure when this happened but I finally realized what I was doing wrong.

*Expecting people to do the right thing.

*Expecting people to see things my way (I still think my way is right 😂).

*Expecting people to have more compassion.

All this “Expecting.” I was wrong.

Forcing change by belittling others doesn’t work. Attacking people for not agreeing with you is foolish. Trying to control things that are out of your control is just wasted energy.

I misconstrued personal beliefs for righteousness.

I use to get upset over every bad thing I read and heard on the news. This 2016 election was a difficult one for me. Disbelief. Shock. Disappointment. You name it, I felt it. But guess what??? I caused it all on myself. It’s one thing to stand where you stand. It’s another to let it run your daily life and emotions.

I let my passion turn into something ugly.

Regretfully.

Call it age. Or maybe my need to expand outside of my bubble. I don’t want to dictate how others live and what they should believe. What I find wrong you may not. Maybe one day we’ll see eye to eye…or not. The days of worrying about the outside world are over for me. Not saying I don’t care. It’s the unhealthy way that I’ve been carrying things that has to stop.

Instead of me arguing with someone online, I’ll go to a fundraising event. Like the ACLU Concert I went to. Or like the Women’s March. I hate the jerks that litter but I won’t let negative thoughts of them take up space in my mind. I will go to Beatification Day and be sore still a whole day later 🤕

Yes, Gandhi that is very true. I can’t expect people to come from a place of love and light if I’m being egotistical. I was unaware of how I was behaving at the time. It’s actually a very funny story how I came to this realization. I use to follow Lauren Jauregui from Fifth Harmony. She’s super passionate and intelligent. I admire that about her. She reminds me of myself. We’re so in tuned with everything that goes on in the world. We feel it wholeheartedly. Because we let our emotions take over, we tend to lash out at people in a very…not so nice way. We don’t mean to be rude or think we’re better. We just want you to care more and we don’t understand why you don’t. That frustrates us and pisses us off. Then we start throwing up all over you 😂 So after awhile of seeing some of her posts…I was like…it’s a bit much. And then I started questioning myself. Looking at the woman in the mirror. I’m exactly the same way! Eye opener. Since then I’ve been toning it down. I try and keep my sharp tongue under control now.

With the help of astrology and trying to learn more about myself I’ve been able to see things from a different perspective. I was coming from a judgemental place. Not a place of pure love. I’m working on it. Trying to become one with spirituality. I know that’s the pathway for me to become who I’m supposed to be. Damn this meditation though. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a Virgo rising, Virgo sun and Aquarius moon??? My brain does not shut off like that! 😖 With time, I know. I’ll get better at it.

Also, I’m coming to terms with taking care of me first. Like completely. It’s not selfish to want to be happy. No more being the go to, the rock. Always trying to save everyone and pushing myself to find ways to help everyone any way that I can. I remember this one afternoon with my son. We were leaving the store and pulling out of the parking lot. It was during a really hard time in our life financially. A homeless man was at the stop sign directly facing us. I had a few dollars in my car and I gave it to him. As we were driving off my son asked, “why are you giving money away if we’re struggling ourselves?” I said because we’re not the ones out there asking for money. That he’s much worse off than we are. And that was true. I tend to give. Regardless of how little I may have. That’s just my nature. The only problem is, I tend to do that with all of me. With work, my friendships, family…heck even too much for my son sometimes. Then I EXPECT for people to do the same. Guess what??? They don’t, lol. I just have to laugh about it because AGAIN…My expectations seem to lead to a lot of disappointments.

Conclusion…

I cannot expect and I also cannot always give. My time, my space, my strength, my emotions, my money…I’ve been imbalanced for sooooo long. Giving too much and leaving not much for myself.

I’m in a different head and heart space now.

Epiphany.

No more feeling​ guilty about doing what’s best for me first. Being drained and unhappy does the world no good. When I’m happy and full of life, people see it. People around me feel it. It’s good energy all around. If we were all happy and smiling, can you imagine the kind of impact that would cause in the world? The ether would radiate with positivity. How can we have more of that? It starts with taking care of ourselves first. A group of 5 who are living happy lives are far more useful to the world than a group of 5 unhappy people. I’ve eluded myself for far too long.

I’m going to celebrate this rebirth. It took an extreme amount of pain to get here. But I did the work. Now I am going to reap the rewards and live in space of gratitude. Focusing only on the present and future. It feels great 😊

Here’s a video of Camilla at the ACLU concert. She closed out the show. I’m just so proud of her! 😆