Want to know a sure way to anxiety? Eagerness. Wanting something instantly but having no control over it.

I’m guilty of it. I guess I have some control issues. Unsure if it comes from an egotistical place or do I just have high standards.

Pondering….

Every scenario is different right? I thrive on structure. I like knowing where everything is at and where it’s been. Constructive time management is essential to being productive. Having a to do list cuts out extra brain thinking time. Prioritizing your to do list is even more effective.

My homeless clothes are nicely folded in my dresser (most of the time) 😂. I even try to separate long sleeves and short sleeves and tank tops. Shorts and sweats and thin pajama pants…you get the idea.

Does that make me controlling? I don’t think so. I want my son to be the same way. Now does that make me controlling? You tell me.

In relationships, I can be the same way. Nit picky even. I admit it. Sorry 😒

I had a revelation. Lately I’ve been having some real nostalgic moments coupled with unconscious past pain. Not fun.

I’m vacillating quite a bit. I find myself being very…ego driven. But I’m confusing it with high standards, I think. Having high standards isn’t a bad thing. Although if it’s coming from a place of ego it actually may very well be fear. An insecurity from some hidden source I may not even be aware of.

When we want something so bad we can lose all rationality. Let’s say we did stay composed. We do what we think is right but at the same time, we’re constantly thinking of what we want and why we don’t have it. Where would that leave us? How would we be feeling?

For me, it keeps me in this stressful state. Lots of anxiety and frustrated as hell. I sat down and kind of just let my mind process. Why am I feeling this way? Where is the connection? The universe is telling me something. And you know what I like to say…when the universe is trying to tell you something, listen!

As I’m trying to put the pieces together, I decided to put things into perspective as an outsider looking in. Psycho analyzing myself 🤔 I get very attached to outcomes. I should instead be present in the moment. How is the moment right now? Well I’m a little stressed from my 8-5 job along with taking on a new career path. My shoulders are tense. I think it’s going to swell up by  tonight. But at the same time, I can name so many other things in my life that I am so grateful for at this moment. How I am so thankful to still exist in this world. There’s a lot more to come and I’m excited for it.

So what is my problem then? I can think of two words. Faith and patience. I’m lacking faith in believing that God and the universe is working with me. Helping me. Things are happening to me because I need to learn from them. It’s like I’m put through a series of tests and I have to study hard to pass them. If I don’t, I’ll stay where I am and the universe will keep testing me until I learn what I need to learn.

I force myself to do my very best at life. And because of that, I need to have faith that I’m being met halfway.

My goal: To stop with the worrying and need to control every outcome. To have patience because I am on the right path. How do I know? Because I’m happy. I may be moody but I’m still happy 😂

Always learning and growing  ☝💪anyways… thanks for reading my ramble. I needed to get this out into the ether.

Next post will be a video. No excuses!